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• Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
• He paints flames and places an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
• You have a shuttlecraft named "Billy Joe Bob".
• He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
• He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".

• He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

• He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
• Instead of saying "Open hailing frequencies", he says "Got your ears on, good buddy?"
• He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
• He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
• He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
• He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
• He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
• He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
• He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
• He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
• He paints the starship John Deere green.
• He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
• He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
• His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
• He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
• His idea of a dress uniform is clean bib overalls.
• He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
• His idea of a gas giant is "that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies".
• He sets the phaser to "Cajun".

... published in the January 1999 issue of the NightTimes

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